Girlpocalypse

The Bachelor: Vampires vs. Bitches

I can’t believe a new season of The Bachelor has already started! SQUEEEEEAAAALLLL!!! The Bachelor: Dark Lord was just in September.

I have to applaud the Dark Bride, Briana. She had the balls to call the Dark Lord out in the tabloids for “mild verbal abuse,” “womanizing,” and “general jackassery,” and now she’s “mysteriously” suffered a spontaneous combustion.

Um, hellooo Dark Lord, those of us who work in PR recommend taking some fiery vengeance on your publicist right about now.

So, the new season’s called The Bachelor: Vampires vs. Bitches … I mean, they call it Vampires vs. Werewolves, but let’s be real. Those wereladies are ROUGH around the edges.

What they didn’t count on was the Vampire girls turning the Weregirls and vice versa, so now they’ve got a house full of hormonal Werevamps running around. Or maybe they planned it that way. Either way, DRAMA!

And get this! That Madison chick from Brad’s second season in 2011 is back. She survived the Apocalypse and got herself turned into a real vampire.

She’s already drunk two contestants.

Overheard at Angel-Con at McCormick Place

Then they fondled each others earlobes for like, 40 MINUTES. Next year-if there is a next year-I’m begging my boss to place me in the booth at Demon-Con instead, i hear the BBQ rocks and there’s surprisingly little PDA.

This guy = my total hero.

Though my coffin would DEFINITELY be serving up something a little higher end, REEEEIGHT?!

Reason #1 Why the Tsunami That’s Swallowing New L.A. is a Good Thing

I know, I know.

The last time a giant death wave swallowed Los Angeles, millions of people died, the Hollywood Bowl became a fish bowl, and I really and truly lost all hope of ever having my hand prints immortalized outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

But this time, we’re mentally prepared for the chaos and destruction. It’s time to look on the bright side. Easy for me to say, living in the relative security of the Midwest, right? But enough with the doom and gloom. Without further ado …

Reason #1 Why the Tsunami That’s Swallowing New L.A. Is a Good Thing:

Aqua Musicals!!!

Esther Williams needed special effects to pull off this hotness, but all New Hollywood’s gonna need is a waterproof camera! Think of all the Bathing Beauty fashion this is going to inspire!

If you want to be on the cusp of this new trend, start shopping for your floral swim caps now!

Hanky Pinky Carnage

This morning on the way to work, a girl got lynched on my train platform for wearing these in public …

I’ve still got some pink fleece fuzz on my shirt.

I feel a little bad for the girl, but what was she thinking? Back in the first days, Forever Lazy Adult Footed PJs were one of the signs.

And seeing her wrecked body sprawled on the platform reminded me … as we get closer to Valentine’s Day, keep in mind that pink and red is a really overdone color palette!

New Years Resolutions…

Every year I like to look over my past year’s resolutions and see how I did …

These are the ones I kept:

Don’t get drunk at the holiday party and make out with Trace
Stress out less — every year P.A. this gets weirdly easier
Wear more skins (animal only, no people)
Don’t drink the cyanide

I totally failed at these:

Vanquish the hell beasts that live in 14B
Start a cult to worship me — even that tongue-pierced barista at the Starbucks has one, and she self-dyes!
Get a boyfriend

And, oh yeah, Chelsea, Don’t get turned into a bee. I really didn’t think I needed to write that one down.

And for good measure, I added one more:

Find beauty everywhere. That and when you see something really ugly RUN!!!

A short note about the pressures of having a one night stand during the apocalypse

Sure it was fun…

But if he dies tomorrow are you obligated to go to the funeral? Or worse, will he show up at yours?

My boss’s new car

I don’t know if I should be jealous, scared, or motivated to go out and sell some hardcore Mary Kay.

Who are you?

So far this month at Creative Attack PR we’ve had:

1 His Evil One, 3 The Evil Ones, 1 The Totally Evil-est Evil One

2 Destroyers

3 Princes of Darkness

1 Princess of Darkness

4 The Beasts

1 He Who Is Reviled, 1 He Who Should Be Reviled, 4 Reviler-trons

6 Dark Lords

1 Bat out of Hell Meatloaf lookalike called the Abomination

1 Franklin Delano Roosevelt

and 87 Antichrists

Come in asking for help promoting their brand.

Shit My Dad Says…

Err, I mean sends via e-mail. For some reason he thinks it’s important that I know this stuff and I’m like “Yeah, right dad I’m so sure if Jesus comes back he’s gonna be really jazzed about all the power point people did in his absence.”

Or…If He wasn’t my dad and i didn’t love him so much I’d tell him to take his Tribulationist blah-blah and get off my junk. Hello, they’re only talking about Sumer on the Huffington Post anyway. I’m praying Enlil returns first and throws a rave on the Ziggeraut before after and during the Millennium.

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